I’ve Got You!

Since I’ve been off almost a week and a half, I figured I write up the happenings. Probably the biggest thing to happen over the break was the purchase of my new benz. Its a car I’ve lusted after ever since college. SLK-300. So now I have my hardtop convertible and I’m loving the feeling of driving a roadster. Outside of that, I’ve finished christmas shopping except for two people, finished my research project, procrastinated on one paper that I’m doing once I finish typing this, saw (Planet 51, Old Dogs, New Moon, Ninja Assassin), got to hang out with someone great, enjoyed time with friends, enjoyed the awkwardness of having a friend’s potential love interest acquaintence over, slept a whole lot, decorated the house for Christmas, played video games, and slept some more. Whew!

Now I have to get back to work for a week and a half and then I’m off for three more weeks. Sadly (or not so), the money I had saved to do something over the break went to the car, so I may just be staying and enjoying the time with friends. Thats definitely not a bad thing, but I had been hoping to do some traveling. C’est la vie! I’ll enjoy whatever I do because thats just how I live.

Overall I’m still pretty happy with how things have gone for me up to this point (cue up my previous post about my 28th year). I’m still searching for a few good friends. I seem to always find those who lack ambition in life (admitting that  you’re lazy and smoke pot daily is NOT hot), do drugs, drink and club entirely too much, live far away, lack manners (ok i’m a little picky about table manners and about saying please and thank you), or they’re simply too young or too old to understand much about me and where I am in my career/life. I am admittedly picky and thats why I have few friends I consider “close” and thats why I am perpetually single. Mind you, I don’t like the situation, but I’m not lowering my standards. There was some teen creed with Jesus on it that I read years ago … it said something about being careful who you associate with because you become what they are. I just have no desire to become super lazy, addicted, a club kid, rude, or anything other than motivated to change the world. When does it change from a dream to being egotistical? I haven’t deicded where that changes yet but kids are allowed to dream as big as they want .. adults have to be realistic because they end up being labeled egotistical, aloof, out of touch, or other negatives. ANYWAY … I’m still working on all of this.

So now I have to go write a Concept Integration Paper. Apparently, I’m supposed to integrate all of the concepts I’ve “learned” into some situation. I still find myself wishing I could just pay for the damned degree. I’ve studied less this semester than any semester and I still have A’s going in to the last week or two. The problem with being an overachiever is that I’m constantly bored! I need a challenge where I have some room to use my damn brain. Problem solving is so much fun … finding books and quoting the thoughts of others isn’t generally fun. Dialogue and debate are fun! Being told how things are is not fun. The theory taught in academia is sometimes so out of touch with the practice of the real world that its laughable. But I digress. I have to write a paper. Dance, monkey!

Side note: “Monkey” was such a fun character to travel with in the eastern literature I read. I need to follow him again. I recall a challenge from Buddha and Monkey being imprisoned under a mountain. *sigh* Add that to the list of things I really want to read again.

It seems like the year was pretty full. I feel like I lived a little more. I made a new friend and reconnected with an old one. Going into the year, I was was severely lacking in friends, but I feel like I’m working on that and this year showed improvement. In terms of doing “things” I can say that between traveling to New Orleans, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Gatlinburg, Helen, Austin, and Orlando I know that I racked up the frequent flier miles and miles on the car … and had a great time doing it. I got to go backpacking this year, gambling, drinking, and learning. I got my first tattoo, switched from the smart car to a jeep wrangler, switched phones multiple times (now on the Droid), had shaggy hair, cut it, and started growing it out again, and lost some weight.

With ups come downs. I went from feeling alright in my job to feeling insecure and now just waiting it out. I had an opportunity on the table that got me too excited too quick. Kali had a brush with bad health (but its a plus she got better!). I had personal drama.  When I look at the bad, I feel like it is outweighed by the good. Thats a good thing.

I fell in to some new music (and rediscovered some old music):

Silversun Pickups – all of their stuff, Placebo – Walking Up That Hill, Vampire Weekend – Kape Cod Kwassa Kwassa and A-Punk, MGMT – Kids, Electric Feel, Janes Addiction – Jane Says, Muse – Uprising, Puscifer – The Mission, and many more! Theres some M83, Nirvana, Matthew Sweet, Jimi Hendrix, Guster, Our Lady Peace, Matt & Kim, and a number of other bands too.

So yeah the year could have been better, but I feel thankful that it was a decent year on the whole. I finally learned something useful in my masters classes too … Appreciative Inquiry. I’ve really been trying to keep that at the forefront of my skillset at work.

For year 29? I’m wishing very hard to continue to grow my circle of friends, wishing for good health, good fortune, and new opportunities. I hope that I continue to learn and grow and that I can help others learn and grow as well. May there be more ups than downs, more sun than rain, and more smiles and frowns.

Feedback is an interesting thing. I was given some feedback on “leadership” from someone whom I do not respect as a “leader.” The situation I’m faced with is having to change my leadership style to suit this person when they simply can’t lead and the majority of people see it. Sadly, if I don’t adapt to this style, I have zero potential for growth in my organization. What a harsh reality and an interesting situation. On one hand, I’m told I’m very competent and I run things well. On the other, he tells me I’m not a very good leader and he doesn’t think I can collaborate with others. The interesting part is that I get that exact opposite feedback from my supervisor and from others. Sure I have things to work on, but I’ve never been told I’m not a good leader and that I don’t collaborate. This is how I’ve decided that the feedback is invalid … virtually everyone says the opposite of what he said. So I’m back to having to change someones perspective that is based solely on anecdote. The number of times I’ve been in this situation is frustrating. How an organization can hold some people to data-driven decisions and allow others to operate based on anecdote is beyond me. Still, valid or not, the person who gave it is influential and thus I have to deal with it.

I’m angry, depressed, upset, and generally disillusioned. I have to find a way to work through this. If I don’t my work will suffer and I’ll be worse off because of it.

Action plan:

1) Find a way around and through.

2) Don’t forget to breathe and smile.

3) Kiss so much ass you get shit on your face … thats what they want. (Can the anger and sarcasm. Its self-defeating.)

4) Try to find a compromise between giving what they want and what you feel is morally right to do. Address moral and ethical dilemmas rather than sit on them.

5) Remember that not all feedback is valid feedback.

6) Find ways to showboat without showboating. If you’re being told you don’t do enough of something, but you know you do, you’re probably just not communicating it enough to those who aren’t there when it happens.

7) If data exists that counters anecdote, there is nothing wrong with sharing it.

Recognize that you are of a different generation and that sometimes, success means catering to the expectations of a different generation. We all have different frames through which we see, interact, and expect.

I *really* need my vacation to get here. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from this week. All because I wanted to grow, I now feel embattled and like I’m worthless. Morale issues abound. I need to be out of there for a few days, catch up on sleep, reset my view, and recharge myself. Thats typically how I grow. Sadly, I have to wait a few more weeks at least until I get a little time off.

I started a new supplement called jack3d with my workouts. So far I’m really digging it. Hopefully it isn’t one of those things where a few months from now they come out with some study that says it gives you cancer or makes your heart explode or something. It gives me energy, power, and better focus. After my last workout, I went and wrote a 12 page paper in one sitting … rare for me. So we’ll see if this keeps up. I hope so.

I just got back from Oktoberfest the other day. The yearly trek to Helen, Georgia proved to be fun. I was a little disappointed that none of my friends could come but sadly that has become normal for my trips. The Vegas trip in July was the exception. Usually my travel companions can’t make the trips for one reason or another and this year proved no different. I’m hoping that changes as my friends get a little older and more stable, but we’ll see. Either way, I had a great time visiting with family and friends of the family. Nothing like beer, german music, and lots of bratwurst to bring us all together!

My sister came with this guy she knew a long time ago. She was starting to get interested in him but the interest didn’t hold. He wasn’t exactly what she was looking for and then only proved himself to be pretty lame. He’s 31 or 32 and when things went south for their weekend together, he decided to urinate on some of her clothes. Yeah. Aside from that being disgusting, I couldn’t really do anything but laugh in disbelief. Who does that? Clearly he didn’t know how to deal with the situation. Some people. heh.

Now that I’m staying in Charlotte I’ve been trying to make some new friends. So far, I’m not doing too well. Everyone wants to find the love of their life or nothing at all. I don’t understand. People want to date without even taking time to get to know one another. Its pretty lame. I personally want to find a good group of friends. Good relationships have a foundation in friendship, so I’m trying to build a foundation before I decide to build more.

Oh! Speaking of jacked up, I’m kind of upset with a certain family member. Apparently, the reason I’m single is because I don’t lavish females. Allegedly, you’re supposed to spend money on people and they’ll like you. I laughed when I heard this because 1) I want someone to like me for me…not for my money and 2) I am pretty liberal with my money as it is and 3) I couldn’t believe how scary the logic was that people like to have money spent on them and thats how you get a long-term relationship. We all enjoy gifts, but if you set that precedent then you have to keep it up and that puts you on the road to having a money-based relationship. To me, thats no better than starting out a relationship by hooking up. In that case, its sex based. This is why I like to focus on friendship. Take me as am as a person. My money, my *amazing* sex, and other things like that do not define me.

Speaking of this … while I’m on a bit of a rant … who the hell cares about my sexuality? Some family members have made comments lately and I’ve gotten some e-mails asking. Does it really matter if I kiss boys or girls? Again, this is something that doesn’t define me as a person. I’m sad that such weight is put on things like this. What if my answer was that I don’t know what I want? Then I’d be viewed differently because people weigh things differently. If I said I kiss boys, I’d be viewed as Gay-Corv … not just Corv. If I said I kissed girls, I’d be viewed as “normal” but still have these nagging and dreadful statements about what I’m doing wrong (ie, not lavishing someone). Are we really so behind the times that it matters who people choose to love/sex? I really don’t place much value on it all. Consider me asexual.

Ok time to go to the gym and get ripped so I can impress all the hot PEOPLE. haha.

I’ve been on the hunt for a new job. I found a new job. I was offered the position. They did my background check and, because of bad record keeping at a previous employer, what I stated on my application and what came back through verification did not match. They pulled the offer. Ok…what the hell. No discussion, no nothing…they just pulled it. This happens at an organization that really needs someone NOW and clearly doesn’t place value on discussion and assuming innocense. I guess in the end, its probably a good thing I didn’t go there. For all the presentation of being a reasonable, logical, and discussion based organization, I think the action shows that that may not actually be the culture.

So, I feel vindicated. I was able to find that the records are inaccurate at my previous employer and to get someone to admit to the error. That makes me feel better because having the offer yanked out from under me really made me think that I had missed something and I’m sure it gave the impression that I hadn’t been forthcoming. I feel a thousand times better because I was able to cast a reasonable doubt on any suspicion like that. At the end of the day, that really made me feel better. I did something I probably shouldn’t have at this point: I BCC’d the person who had interviewed me. I don’t expect it to change anything and I’m really not sure I’d want it to change anything because of the questions I now have about the organizational culture. But I do have some takeaways from the experience:

1) Now I know for certain what will be reported for all employers in the future so this can’t possibly happen again.

2) I know to look deeper in to culture when I interview in the future. I only gave it a cursory glance because I was wowed with the presentation. That was a mistake.

3) I’ve found that I’ve undervalued myself. I say this without ego…I really had a low opinion of myself. I’ve come to find through my references and some things that have been said that I’m regarded as more competent and valuable than I had imagined. Its been extremely humbling and rewarding to learn these things. I should take my own advice and capitalize on my strengths instead of focusing on weaknesses…I’m my own worst enemy.

4) I have some allies I didn’t know about.

5) Don’t allow a shiny new opportunity to blind you to whats right in front of you.

Everything happens for a reason. Now I start a new chapter and see how I do.

http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=672

A year ago v. now. I feel like, using the above post as a reference, I’m still in the same place. I’m still ready for a new challenge, disillusioned with school, in the same place financially, and stagnant spiritually. What I feel like I’ve gained though is some insight on why I’m alive. I do believe that I’m here to help people along the way (potentially at the expense of my own happiness, but ideally not because in the end I do enjoy helping). It is interesting though how otherwise stagnant I am. I think it really is time to do something about this.

http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=680 

9 months ago v. now. Again using my own words, I’ve sacrificed much to be where I am … and where I am is somewhere between happy and unhappy. I’ve sacrificed making friends and being wild in my youth, but in turn I have many opportunities that otherwise probably wouldn’t have been in my path. Today I feel the same … stagnant … though I do have a best friend to show for it, I’m saddened by the idea that our paths will soon diverge by my movement or his. Distance has an uncanny ability to diminish friendships. I still have other acquaintances, but I really do question my social skills because it seems to me that no person should have nary an option for human interaction on a majority of nights. 

http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=621 - Two and a half years ago I had the same angst about my job, finances, friends, etc. 

http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=613 – A little over two and a half years ago I anticipate my future of lonely nights. 

http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=520 –  A little less than four and a half years ago … I did seem … happier. I read some happiness, anticipation, and excitement. Now I read so much less of that. 

I read more posts from further back and I’ve come to a conclusion … I had to grow up and sacrifice more than I dreamed I would have to when I accepted this job in Charlotte. The mood of my posts, while sometimes angsty in the past did change a lot after February 2006. While I’ve maintained my sense of optimism, I see less of it now than before. I see that work has weighed so much heavier on me than I could have imagined and that it has dominated me. Now, don’t get me wrong. Its not all gloom and doom, but to me the change is apparent and I definitely don’t like what I see. I can’t place blame on a single thing (ie the job), but I can point to the job being a major factor. It has dominated my life so I’ve found myself friendless at times. It has caused me so much stress that I feel exhausted most days … and that has adversely impacted my health. 

Where do you go from here? How do I fix what is so obviously wrong? I feel like I’m on a slow path … focusing on school and getting ready for new opportunities that may allow me to refocus my energies. I want to move faster. I want to work to live, not live to work. I want to have ample free time to enjoy life and to experience it. I think … I need to affect a change now. Whatever blocks I may have that trample my social life … whatever professional interference I experience … whatever matters of the heart I feel tugging … whatever pulls me all different directions thus making me an ineffective person … … … it is my responsibility and my duty to myself and to those around me to reign it all in and to control my own destiny. It is my responsibility to dictate where I go and what I do … it is unacceptable to allow other forces in the world to dictate my direction and my happiness. 

I’m the captain of my own ship and its about time I really did what my optimism says I should do. Its about time for me to affect a change of my own. Its time to focus a little less on others and to clean my own house first. Time to explore new opportunity seriously. 

Time to go to bed.

So our sales tax went up today. Now I have to pay 8.25% when it was 7.25%. Wonderful. More money for the state in the absence of a revised strategy going forward. We’re paying for the same waste we have for a while. I blame no particular political party because they all suck at managing. I don’t blame consumers for cutting back spending … and I don’t blame them for cutting back further now that their dollar buys less. In fact, I don’t place any blame for the situation. I’m a nice guy.

I simply blame politicians for not revamping strategy now. Instead, they just raise taxes and keep things as they are … because thats worked out well for us, right? Thanks guys and gals. Why bother finding better ways forward when we can just raise taxes and fund the same crap the same way?

So I’m being totally lame and blogging while I wait to go out to a club tonight in Vegas. But hey, ya need a few minutes of downtime to drink in the room and collect your thoughts and de-smell yourself from walking around in the nasty heat that is abundant in August out here. : ) So far I’m not doing too terrible with gambling. I keep hitting small things so I’m only slightly down. I’ve been able to do a little shopping too. Hot new underwear that YOU will never see and some great jeans and belts that you will. haha. I need to add a couple photos of myself from this trip. But for now I’ll drop a couple from out here.

Waiting in the airport

The Paris

Flashy Things

So I didnt get much time off this weekend. Yuck! I made the right decision heading out to Las Vegas on Thursday of this week to help me recharge…not that a trip to LV is meant to relax so much as it is designed to drink, gamble, and engage in all sorts of other debauchery. I need the time away from Charlotte, work, Kali, responsibility, bills, and everything else. I love my dog, friends, and life, but I need to get away with my best friend for a bit and just forget about being a f*cking responsible adult for two seconds. Time to just enjoy what I’ve worked for and engage in some mindless, self-indulgent entertainment. haha.

A fast recap of the last week or so…..I’ve worked last Monday straight through til today…and tomorrow. I’m ready for a break. Weekend work is lame and thankless. I have been happy that all of the incoming folks seem cordial and happy for the most part. It would suck to have them pissed off, rude, and generally upset with me and/or my department. Its amazing though that you can put so much effort into things and they only see the one thing that goes wrong. Human nature I guess….but still. Bottom line: Its been a hectic little bit and I’m soooooo ready to just chill.

In other news…well…there is no other news. I’ve been working my butt off. So yeah. Short update simply because I havent had much of a life outside of work lately.

Work is about to get really, really busy again with the new school year starting. We’re bringing in a ton of new folks and have to efficiently get them set up and ready to go. Luckily, I’ve been doing some planning and working ahead to make it easier. Just as the new year starts for students here, I will start classes later this month and begin my last academic year working toward my masters degree. That reminds me…I really need to purchase my books…

Next week will be short for me. I get to head off to Las Vegas for a few days to relax. I’ll need it after this week and weekend. Orientation and starting classes = stress. But I’m looking forward to being back in Sin City for a bit. Its especially fun to go with someone who has never been as I am this time. Aside from gambling and drinking, I’ve decided that I really want to take in a show this time. I’m thinking Penn & Teller, but we’ll see where the deals are!

Along with the new academic year comes a new computer for me. Because I *need* new toys and I need a good laptop of my own anyway, I’ve gone and purchased a new Dell XPS. For geeks: 2.93GHz, 1066MHz FSB, 8 GB Ram, 1 GB ATI Video Card, 4x Blu-Ray burner and of course super fast CD and DVD burning, 500GB 7200 rpm HDD, 16″ widescreen 1080p display, 1.2 megapixel webcam with facial recognition software for security. I think its a pretty hot laptop. Its certainly at the top in terms of hardware. Should last me for quite some time. Anyway, I decided to purchase it because I need one myself and because I’m tired of the limitations of my work laptops … so I’m giving it up. I want a laptop that I can do with as I please. Now I’m getting it.

So I need to get back to work now. Pre-registration for orientation is going on and its kind of busy. Lunch break is over.