Then///Now
http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=672
A year ago v. now. I feel like, using the above post as a reference, I’m still in the same place. I’m still ready for a new challenge, disillusioned with school, in the same place financially, and stagnant spiritually. What I feel like I’ve gained though is some insight on why I’m alive. I do believe that I’m here to help people along the way (potentially at the expense of my own happiness, but ideally not because in the end I do enjoy helping). It is interesting though how otherwise stagnant I am. I think it really is time to do something about this.
http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=680
9 months ago v. now. Again using my own words, I’ve sacrificed much to be where I am … and where I am is somewhere between happy and unhappy. I’ve sacrificed making friends and being wild in my youth, but in turn I have many opportunities that otherwise probably wouldn’t have been in my path. Today I feel the same … stagnant … though I do have a best friend to show for it, I’m saddened by the idea that our paths will soon diverge by my movement or his. Distance has an uncanny ability to diminish friendships. I still have other acquaintances, but I really do question my social skills because it seems to me that no person should have nary an option for human interaction on a majority of nights.
http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=621 - Two and a half years ago I had the same angst about my job, finances, friends, etc.
http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=613 – A little over two and a half years ago I anticipate my future of lonely nights.
http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=520 – A little less than four and a half years ago … I did seem … happier. I read some happiness, anticipation, and excitement. Now I read so much less of that.
I read more posts from further back and I’ve come to a conclusion … I had to grow up and sacrifice more than I dreamed I would have to when I accepted this job in Charlotte. The mood of my posts, while sometimes angsty in the past did change a lot after February 2006. While I’ve maintained my sense of optimism, I see less of it now than before. I see that work has weighed so much heavier on me than I could have imagined and that it has dominated me. Now, don’t get me wrong. Its not all gloom and doom, but to me the change is apparent and I definitely don’t like what I see. I can’t place blame on a single thing (ie the job), but I can point to the job being a major factor. It has dominated my life so I’ve found myself friendless at times. It has caused me so much stress that I feel exhausted most days … and that has adversely impacted my health.
Where do you go from here? How do I fix what is so obviously wrong? I feel like I’m on a slow path … focusing on school and getting ready for new opportunities that may allow me to refocus my energies. I want to move faster. I want to work to live, not live to work. I want to have ample free time to enjoy life and to experience it. I think … I need to affect a change now. Whatever blocks I may have that trample my social life … whatever professional interference I experience … whatever matters of the heart I feel tugging … whatever pulls me all different directions thus making me an ineffective person … … … it is my responsibility and my duty to myself and to those around me to reign it all in and to control my own destiny. It is my responsibility to dictate where I go and what I do … it is unacceptable to allow other forces in the world to dictate my direction and my happiness.
I’m the captain of my own ship and its about time I really did what my optimism says I should do. Its about time for me to affect a change of my own. Its time to focus a little less on others and to clean my own house first. Time to explore new opportunity seriously.
Time to go to bed.