The best we could…
I’m filled with thoughts of the grandparent who passed two summers ago, thoughts of Josh, and general dark thoughts about those who I don’t see anymore, living or dead. I’ve known some characters. I’ve always been one to alienate myself though. Its easy for me to place blame too. Mom. How could anyone lead a normal social life when they had a monster who wrote chore lists so long that you rarely had a saturday free? How can you be “normal” when your monster picked you up by the throat to make you admit things you didn’t do? Yeah … its easy, but I choose not to. I own who I am to the extent that I can. The influence was certainly there, but I’ve made my own decisions. I’ve chosen my friends and become what they are.
Choose your friends wisely for you become what they are – A teen creed
I miss my dead relations and friends. I hope they lived their days full and happy, though I know that for one, it was a general dissatisfaction that led to his demise. I don’t want to become that … and I certainly don’t think i will. I also don’t want to get old only to have kids who hold a lot of anger in their hearts about me. If I ever have kids, that is.
We … we did the best we could – Last words spoken to me
And thats where I struggle. I can do so much better than I am now … in just about every regard. I can’t even say I’ve done the best that I can. I lack willpower. There are things I need to do or that I just need to do better, yet I don’t. I blame myself. motivation comes from within and I’m just not motivating myself very well.
I think I’ve pushed myself too hard up to this point. I’ve climbed the ladder so quickly and along the way I’ve forgotten to make friends (or HOW to make friends), I skipped being an out of control college kid, and I’ve skipped the period where I could just decide to go do whatever the hell I want. In trade, I’ve got a job that stresses me out because I likely should have been in my thirties before I got it, I have money going toward retirement, and I find myself with very, very few friends whom I talk to or hang out with on any sort of regular schedule or basis. So theres good and bad, but I need a breather.
I need time to renew. I think I can’t find it in me to motivate myself because all of my will goes in to work and the fact that work rules my life. I’m back to square one when it comes to work-life balances. I’m mentally and physically exhausted when I get home and I barely feel rested by sunday night.
So yeah. Am I doing the best I can? no. Will I?