Finding a balance/perception
I find myself torn between an easy path and a hard path. Hell … thats true personally, spiritually, professionally, financially. Its funny how life throws us these challenges and everything seems to come to a head at the same time. Its extremely well orchestrated for sheer coincidence, don’t you think? Then again, maybe I only feel like it because I don’t pay enough attention other times. Maybe it is all coincidence.
Personally, my challenge seems to be finding a balance between “me” time, work, and school. Strangely, while I’m motivated I can also see that I’m a slacker. School is great … I love the format … but I don’t feel a huge challenge. I guess thats ok and I just have to pay my dues to get that little piece of paper that says I’m educated (again). Its sad that this is the state of education. There should be a single test or battery of tests that I could take to just get the stupid degree. With this challenge, I’m going to take my own advice: You have to pay your dues, start at the bottom, work your way up/through in order to get what you want. Suck it up and just do it.
Professionally, I’m bored! Even with new responsibilities, I feel so extremely unchallenged. I’m compensating for this by focusing on process excellence. That means I’m that guy who is trying to fit things in to processes. How boring am I? I guess I’m lucky that I can focus on that instead of focusing only on keeping my job or how much I make. I just feel like Jack Nicholson: What if this is as good as it gets? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … I am ready for another change/leap upward and onward. That means I should focus on school, suck it up, and do it because that will give me my next opportunity.
Financially, I’m ok. I feel worse than I am because I own a house. My net worth is awful because of the mortgage debt and student loan debt. At the same time, I can’t make a huge dent in these things because of the economy and my earning power in this economy. For those of us who pay our bills on time … for those who bust our collective asses at work … for those who barely keep our heads above water … for those with no bailout … I’m sad because we are slaves to a system that rewards failure to meet commitment, but not those who live with their burdens. But ya know what? The only way out is through. For me, that means I should focus on school, suck it up, and do it because that will give me my next opportunity which will undoubtedly pay more and help me find breathing room.
Spiritually, I’ve found myself questioning as of late. Is all of this chance and coincidence or part of some plan? If its part of a plan, why would I be made to do things I regret and be made to feel bad? So is He a clock maker or an author? Who is He? Why do I now feel the tugging at my heart? I can’t answer any of it and it bugs me. Usually I can figure something out and know what to do, but this time, not so much. Should I really focus on school, suck it up, and do it all for the next opportunity so I can breathe, or can I find breathing room through beliefs? Do beliefs pay bills and counteract the actions of those around me? No. And why would I ever want to feed my spiritual needs by joining a group of people who choose to hate some, hypocritically I might add, and who exclude rather than love? I find it comical that Jesus walked with the dregs of society and loved, but our churches today choose to exclude and judge. Now, I know thats a blanket statement and there are those who do good, but wow … for the most part its true. Maybe Christianity has lost its way or maybe I’m not Christian and I’m something else. Until i can figure things out, I’ll just suck it up and keep moving down the paths I deem “right” and hope to stumble upon answers.
I want to get to a point in my life where I can focus less on me and my struggles and more on empowering others. I can get there if I do what I’ve said above so many times. But I do not want this goal to be forgotten and always on the horizon … I want it to be a reality and I want to always keep pushing.