Flood (Memories)
This evening I went to see The Bridge to Terabithia. Its probably been close to 15 years since I read the book, but I did remember parts. My memories about another subject came in a flood during the movie because of one scene. In that scene, the best friend is dead and people are paying their respects to the family.
I couldn’t help but remember Josh and the emotions I felt. Its not too often that I really talk much about Josh, but he was my best friend. I’m constantly amazed that even now so far after the fact I can recall so much about that friendship and its untimely end in vivid detail. I remember night swimming with friends and the chat Josh and I had inside. I remember his displeasure with his family and the fact that he walked across town to my house to get away. I remember the horrible movies, the girl who almost ruined our friendship, the chats on ICQ, the trip to the beach, the night of high school graduation, phone conversations and ICQ during college while I worked at the conference center, being awoken by Debbie as I slept on the couch at home, shock, and then walking through the line and talking to each of his siblings … each one a step closer to the casket in that dim grey room … Chelsea was a step behind … I had no clue what to say to the family of my now dead friend. I passed a note to his mother and asked that it go with Josh … I broke down for a brief second as I reached his father … I tried to convey how sorry I was but I wasn’t doing well at consoling so I moved on to the casket … the closed casket with whatever symbols his faith used – a staff of some sort – I said a goodbye … an insufficient goodbye and moved out of the grey room.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is to say goodbye to a friend and to walk past each of his family members, looking them in the eye, and to see the pain on their faces and the confusion on the faces of the younger ones.
Its hard to gain lessons through loss. Usually, you focus on your own mortality and other things become a distant second. For me, I didn’t face my own mortality as part of this. I never questioned that I would continue to live, where I would go when I die, or how long I had. What I gained was the will to never look at suicide as an option. I’ve spent countless days and nights alone with nothing more than my thoughts, fears, and demons. Even when I’ve been at my darkest and lonliest I’ve never considered killing myself as a way out. Instead I’ve medicated a different way – the way many men do. But self medication only gets you so far and there is much farther I’ve wanted to go.
What I gained through the loss of a friend was perspective. That perspective lives on and I hope it never dies for I know that I’ll spend many more days and nights in solitude. In those times, especially in the dark when I’m alone with my thoughts, I keep my friend and his impact in the back of my mind.
Tonight I remember my lesson. I remember that chapter of my life. I remember friendship. I smile.
Life is to be lived.
“Life is waiting for you. Its all messed up but we’re alive. Oh, life is waiting for you. Its all messed up but we’ll survive.” – Life by Our Lady Peace.